Check out this descriptive, intense story by 7th grader Melanie K. Great work! Swimming with Sharks by Melanie K. “I’m not doing it,” I said to my brother firmly. “Come on Audrey, nothing will go wrong,” he said. “ I said no Mark.” I could tell that he was not going to give up. He said again,” Everything will be fine and you will have a blast!” Then my dad chimed in too, “ Yeah Audrey, Mark is right. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity!” My dad said as I rolled my eyes. I knew this discussion would last forever so I reluctantly gave in. “ Fine,” I said in a harsh tone. “‘Yay! Look at you, facing your fears!” said my dad. He had the widest smile on his face which made me believe that everything actually would be fine. I trudged to the ladder down to the metal cage out in the middle of the ocean with a great white shark waiting for me from behind the bars. Every bone in my body was shaking and my blood rushed to my head creating a headache. I had never thought I would do this in a million years. I started to climb the ladder to cage. My whole family was looking straight at me with big smiles on their faces. My view of them disappeared as the tip of my toe dipped into the water and sent a tingling sensation up through the rest of my body calming my headache down a little bit. I climbed down the rest of the ladder into the freezing water. I bobbed up and down from the waves and took a deep breath. I could hear it echo all through the cage. The sound bounced off each metal bar to the next. When all I could hear water sloshing around, I turned around. There it was, my biggest fear, a great white shark. His little beady eyes looked right into my soul. He looked evil. I wanted to climb right back up the ladder, but I couldn’t move. I was paralyzed with fear. He opens his mouth a little and i see rows and rows of shark teeth with dried blood on the tips. His smooth back is the color of the ocean, navy blue, and his stomach is the color of rain clouds. Its tail swayed from left to right. He started to turn away, like he was leaving, but then i saw him coming back at lightning speed. He slammed into the cage like he wants to break it. My heart pounded as my headache started to reappear. I thought these were my last moments to live, and I couldn’t believe i will be spending them with a shark. I closed my eyes so I didn’t have to see what is about to happen. Then all of the sudden, it got completely quiet. The sloshing of the waves, the vibrating metal, and the ringing in my ears all stopped. That’s when I opened my eyes and saw the light pink colored walls and the crystal chandelier. I heard footsteps. “ It’s time to get ready for school,” my dad said. Relief filled my head as my dad turned on the lights. It was a dream.
7 Comments
Samir Kassam
11/14/2018 09:00:58 am
Wow! That was insanly good writing. I love the twist at the end.
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Clara
11/16/2018 08:31:14 am
Wow!! I was not expecting the ending!!! 👏
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Gracie Greenway
11/28/2018 08:22:52 am
Wow! That was a great story I loved the amount of detail you used and that twist at the end made the story very interesting
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Zeke K
11/30/2018 08:22:06 am
I think the story was well thought out and suspenseful. I loved most of the story, however it was short, but still really well done. I look forward to seeing you write more stories like this one.
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Kate
12/3/2018 08:15:57 am
This is so detailed! I felt like I was actually there.
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Nate
12/18/2018 08:20:20 am
I like the attention-grab at the start, for it's firm and suspenseful. Some may disagree, yet I think that starting in the middle of a situation is the best method. Additionally, I like the description, it paints a vivid piece. As for criticism, I suggest making the conversations slower and more realistic. You can change their views (as it is a nightmare), but still maintain a good amount of realism. However, the twist at the end is as relieving as it was to the character. Criticism isn't that fun, but reading your piece was!
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